Sunday, April 10, 2011

MSS9-Hoo Jia Kai

1. April 21st 1892 Britain: It was a cold and windy night when Dr. Siegfried went home. The path he as taking to go to 41st Broccoli street was long, having curves like this was a highway and it was completely deserted. Dr. Siegfried was coming home to make a call to make a discovery of a completely new form of alkaline metal called”Brocollinium” named after its shape and enough alkaline to kill a person like his assistant. When he was going, a tragedy happened. A assassin kill him by a completely new form of killing, by breaking his neck. He immediately died. The assassin was delightful in greed.
2. “Mr Combul, I have a message for you!” said bellboy Donkeh. He was newly hired by famous detective Mr Combul who was never ever beaten before in his skills to search for clues. He was said to get this knowledge from being a grandson from King Solomon as he was the wisest man who ever lived.”I’m coming, what is the message?” He read the message and went to the horses directly outside his house and rode on it. Donkeh could not follow because he did not understand the language here in Britain.
3. When Mr Combul was at the crime scene, he wanted to hear the latest news of what had happened. The C.S.I who was there told him that Dr. Siegfried had died from a bone cracked in his body at the spinal cord. Mr Combul checked the crime scene and said “ He must have something to do. He ran so quickly to his home I guess.” “How did you deduce that?” the C.S.I said.”Look at his bag, it has the word going home one it with the date April 21st. And the foot strides are long.””Oh so it seems, but you know who are the suspects of this murder?””I guess that it must been his rivals or his enemies.” ”Oh I remember that he was handing his discovery on his”brocolinium”! Since you said that that, I will be happy to say his rival would kill him not his enemy anymore and anyway he left such a major clue we should thank him of closing the case so fast.” “what Is it, Mr Combul?” “it is this, do you see a print on his neck, that must be how he killed him and he accidentally left a tatto mark there. If I am not mistaken that tattoo mark can only relate to one of his rivals”John Omles” angry with him for a few years I bet. “Now can we arrest him, let us go to his house immediately.
4. After 1 hour later he was caught, John Omles admitted that he was the one who killed Dr. Siegfried as he wanted that large amount of money for that discovery to be his. Too bad he was not a expert in killing and left so many clues in the crime scene that this was a little bit to easy for our detectives.
5. In my conclusion, when there is a murder, always the murderer will leave clues at the crime scene which will lead you to the suspect and always remember crime never pays. (530)

21 comments:

  1. Not enough characterization.
    1st paragraph line 2 sounds very odd.
    Ok writing

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  2. Why would you want to say "not so good at killing"

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  3. Manta, the broccoli (Fong Ken Rui)April 11, 2011 at 4:12 PM

    Not something I would call a mystery short story. It is more like a simple police investigations. But I don't think any material on earth has a pernament and definite shape. No scientist in their mind would name a metal after a vegetable too.

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  4. Delightful in greed? "coming home to make a call to make a discovery"??? "A assassin" should be "An assassin"

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  5. "Since you said that that, I will be happy to say his rival would kill him not his enemy anymore and anyway he left such a major clue we should thank him of closing the case so fast"What does this mean? Also, the grandson of King Soloman should be rich and all and not be hired by someone. I think...

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  6. "closing the case so fast" should be " Closing the case so quickly".

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  7. The whole plot is weird... it does not seem much like a mystery to me. Not much clues and too much coincidence.

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  8. it's brief and the detective had too many assumptions

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  9. Generally brief, but there is some tense and spelling mistakes here and there.

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  10. And (just for fun): Did you copied Siegfried from Animal Kaiser?

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  11. @Choo Zhen Hui
    That is unrelated to why the blogspot was online...
    That is NOT helping me correct my mistakes!

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  12. OK... too short but nice try. also too SGan

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  13. How can detective be grandson of KING SOLOMON? King solomon lived centuries ago! but this story is obviously modern. and there is no such thing as an "expert in killing". You are also not supposed to add moral values at the back, and the characters do not speak in complete sentences and with a lot of grammatical errors. Major correction needed!

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  14. Also, Jia Kai, King Solomon is a person who lived probably in early A.D. or During 500-1 B.C., so you can't put your detective as the grandson. If you'd like, make him a descendent. Also, a tattoo mark cannot be left on someone. A tattoo is engraved into someone's skin, so it is impossible to come off unless you go through surgery. You also did not link any of the clues you had to the suspect. And too little clues. Basing your conjectures on just one sole piece of evidence. If it is a tattoo, anyone who has a tattoo can be a suspect.

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  15. Sorry but i a very puzzled over this story. Also, why is breaking the victim's neck a new way of killing? Will it really kill?\

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  16. I think that you have to put some commas and full stops to break up the sentence and take note of your spelling, because I am kind of confused with some sentences and take a long time to read them. Also, there should be more characterization and description. Also, there are some things that I don't understand, like what Matthew said, how can a tattoo be left on the victim, i'm confused about this: word going home one it with the date April 21st. Good try!

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  17. Not enough characterisation and description! More suspects!Good try, anyway!

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  18. Need more characterization but Good Try!

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  19. Thanks for comments and tips thanks alot!

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  20. Characterisation? Where has it gone? If you have included more of that, I think that your story will be even more interesting!

    However, overall its a good try. Not bad. But theres still room for improvement.

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  21. Story is too brief maybe you could focus more on characterisation?

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