1 It was an April night. A case of murder had been committed at Gabble streets 3. A detective immediately went to the crime scene. A dead body lay on the floor in a pool of blood, a knife in her heart.
2 The police soon identified the body as Lady Granne Jabila. She was known to have no family and friends. She also had no foes. The detective named Bert asked: “Is there any clue?” “Yes, a box and a small penknife. A mirror lay broken on the floor.” A police officer answered. On the box, the initials P.hd was on the box. No fingerprints were found.
3 Bert went to each street and interviewed everyone. Three suspects were found. The first was Penner Hidave, an expert in throwing knifes. The second suspect was Prinkey Hildas; He was a strange man with a funny accent. The third suspect was a rowdy person named Pish Hidalatic. The police suspected Pish Hidalatic.
4 Bert searched the crime scene and found a wound in the victim’s back. A knife was thrown with dead accuracy as the knife was pierced in deep and slightly up. The penknife was beside the body. Bert investigated the mirror and found that it was actually on the table in the kitchen. He broke the mirror even more and saw a paper. Bert read it and it was a title deed. Obviously somebody had tried to steal it but was stopped by Lady Granne Jabila.
5 Since Pish Hidalatic and Prinkey Hildas had a lot of money, they were not suspected. Bert brought in Penner Hidave and said: “It was you who killed Lady Granne Jabila, you wanted the title deeds.” “Alright, I admit! But please don’t tell my family!” He begged. Bert accepted his request and Penner Hidave was sent to jail.
6 “Case closed” Said Bert and he sat down for a cup of coffee…… (313)
Let's start with a little equation...
ReplyDeleteMurder = Death penalty = execution = death.
That means that the person would have been dead. (unless you change to other countries. Countries who were under British rule before most likely have the deat hpenalty) Not enough characterization.
Whoever you call as BERT was odd. You should call him BERT imediately instead of calling him a detective first. That make's the story sound odd.
The story is logical but not enough suspense.
Keep it up :)
Logical, but there are little suspense. Things seemed to happen too fast and without too much connection.
ReplyDeleteHow would Penner Hidave admit it so quickly? Most murderers would try to lie.
it's a bit brief. you didn't describe anything
ReplyDeletebut it's still quite a gd story.
how do you know the knife was in her heart? Plus things happened faster than i really expected. quite a good story, though. too little conversation.
ReplyDeleteSuspects do not have strong evidence to be suspected, and it is unlikely for a criminal to fess up everything under very little pressure.
ReplyDeleteStory too brief! How can the murderer admit so fast?
ReplyDeleteThings happened too fast in this story. try to describe details more & also say what were the connection of the suspects to the victim. Also, how can the victim hide a piece of paper in a MIRROR without breaking the mirror?
ReplyDeleteThe person requested not to tell family but if sent to jail wouldn't the family surely know???
ReplyDeleteThe person did not want to let his family know, but his family will find out! The story is a little too short.Good try!
ReplyDeleteCan be more descriptive and how could the culprit admit the crime so easily?
ReplyDeleteCan add more descriptions. The story is a little too short, though! However, good attempt! Also, how can a murderer admit the crime he commited so easily?
ReplyDeletei AGREE with all. I want to highlight that THE STORY IS TOO BRIEF!
ReplyDeleteThe story has too little climax. If there were more climax, it would certainly make the story more exciting. Not too many tense errors. Not bad.
ReplyDeleteWhy did the police suspect Pish Hidalatic? You have to describe more about the investigation. Insert more red herrings like as if Penner Hildave knows Pish Hidalatic and hates him, so he made everything look like Pish Hidalatic did the murder, like taking a strand Pish's hair and placing it on the floor. That kind of thing.
ReplyDeleteStill quite good, only not enough climax and the story is too short.
ReplyDeleteNot enough suspense and too short. The part of the broken mirror doesn't sound too logical...
ReplyDeleteSuggestion:Have red herrings as a bait for the detective
Ok, this was stated in the passage: "Three suspects were found. The first was Penner Hidave, an expert in throwing knifes. The second suspect was Prinkey Hildas; He was a strange man with a funny accent. The third suspect was a rowdy person named Pish Hidalatic. The police suspected Pish Hidalatic." You said that the police had 3 suspects in mind as stated. But the last sentence said that the police only suspecter Pish Hidalatic. These two sentences contradict a lot. Also, the mirror in my opinion is of no significance in the story. what's more, i think that the story is too brief with little dialogue and there is totally no suspense and thrill in the story and the procedure of getting the evidence was not stated clearly enough. Only the evidence was stated
ReplyDeleteRen Yu, you have a very nice plot. But when discovering the title deed, can you explain what the detective saw to think that there was a title deed?(Clarity) Also, come up with alibis and red-herrings (alterior motives, dislike of the victim... etc), adn the story will be even better!
ReplyDeleteHow will your family think if you never get home? (prison) I mean, your family HAS to know...
ReplyDelete