Tuesday, April 12, 2011

MSS24-Solomon Chann

The case of the murdered wife
1. She was showering in the middle of the night, in a hotel waiting for a guest.
2. “Ding Dong!” The doorbell rang.
3. “Hold on! I’m coming!” She said as she put on her bathrobe.
4. He entered the room and smiled ominously: “Could you come out to the balcony with me? I have to tell you something important,” she followed him out into the dim moonlight, curious what was going to happen.
5. He pushed her off the balcony, the fingertips barley holding on to her weight. He punched her fingers with brute force, causing her to plummet down 20 floors to her doom…
6. During the period of the murder, a famous private consultant for the police, Herman Cress, went out to see a play at the community center featuring his assistant’s daughter in a play. They sat down in their seats, getting ready for the play to start. While waiting for the play to start, the detective’s assistant saw someone in the V.I.P. area: “Hey! That’s Areola Comuston, that famous critic! Oh my god I hope he gives Julie a good review!” Herman decided to go to use the bathroom to kill some time before to show started. He went into the bathroom and a man in a suit was standing there greeting him. “Who are you?” “Me? I am the men’s bathroom assistant.” The detective stared in amazement and was very pleased with his work.
7. He returned to his seat and by then, the show had already started and his assistant’s daughter was singing on stage. In dim light, he glanced at Areola and he was staring at his watch. “He doesn’t seem too interested…” “I hope he doesn’t go too hard on Julie.”
8. The next day, the police came to investigate on the case and Herman came too. It was room that was a usual one, there was a chocolate strawberry on the table half-bitten, and two potted plants with leaves dropping, and a suicide note with newspaper words. The captain briefed them on what happened,: “Suicide, Female Caucasian 5’7’” “Hold on, I don’t think she killed herself, you can see those plants, one of them has an over excessive drop of leaves and you can see traces of soil in the carpet if you strain your eyes closely, there was a struggle.” “So she was murdered, but how?” Herman’s assistant asked. “I don’t know…”
9. When they left they building, Herman’s assistant, Natalie bought a copy of the newspaper and she was shocked beyond words. The newspaper read: ‘A completely forgettable voice that kept me bored and a song that seemed like forever sung by Julie Teeger.’ “What? How could he say that? Hold on, I’m going somewhere. Meet me at home!”
10. She stormed into his office, made an immediate complaint to Areola, and had a word with him.
11. When she went home, she said: “He’s the guy, I know it, the hotel was only two blocks away, he could have run out back and murdered him. He also had a paper bag for his lunch; it was from the same place as the bag at the hotel.”
12. “Natalie, I know he wrote a horrible article about your daughter, but really? Do you have any proof that he did it?”
13. “And you know that bathroom assistant, he also works for Areola, an inside job, there has to be a connection. That is why you’re here.”
14. “Fine, if you feel so strongly about it, we’ll go talk to him.”
15. They brought him into the interrogation room and started questioning him: “ Where were you during the period of the concert?” “Well, as you know, I was in the V.I.P. area, I’m sure that there were many witnesses that saw that I never left.” The detective silenced for a period of time and thought deeply. Areola sighed and said while staring at his pocket watch: “Well, if that is all, I really have to go now. I’m late for a meeting. “I guess there is no evidence or even a lead to whether a murder even happened.” His assistant said: “Well, then we’re going to the theater to find out how he escaped.”
16. They went to the theater and looked around with the theater manager, Herman looked around and said: “Excuse me, your light switch in the V.I.P. section is broken.” “Sorry, we’ll fix that as soon as possible.” The detective thought for a while and said: “I think I know how he did it, it’s a theory, but I can get evidence.”
17. On the very same night, the bathroom assistant was helping Areola carry some boxes down to the office when all of a sudden, ‘Bang!’ a piece of lead piping hit him at the back of the cranium.
18. The next morning, they went to investigate on this case. “What? Two murders in two days? This is definitely not coincidence and I think I can arrest Areola not just for one, but two murder cases.” said the detective.
19. They all went to the office of Areola and Herman explained what happened: “For some reason, you were having affairs with your wife and we probably will never know what and why, you wanted to murder her, but you needed an alibi. So you bought a room in a nearby hotel so you and your wife could ‘have sex’. But somewhere in the middle of the process, you realized that there would be too many eyewitnesses, wouldn’t they notice if you left? So during the performance, you asked if the bathroom assistant could take your place for a few minutes. No one would know you left or even swapped places with another guy because the light was broken, no one could see who it was. But when the police started interrogating you, you got nervous; they would eventually figure it out and ask the bathroom assistant? So you murdered him.” “Hold on. How can you prove any of this?” “One, during the performance at some point, you were wearing a watch. But during interrogation, you took out a pocket watch and there was nothing on your wrists.” “True, but so? This doesn’t prove anything, I am a very rich man, I have many watches.” When Herman heard this, he stepped aside and showed him a girl; she was dress elegantly, as if in moonlight. “This girl is the evidence to you murdering that woman. I want you to take a good look at her and tell me what you think.” “What do you mean? I am a 100% sure that I have never seen her in my life!” “Are you sure?” “Yes. Yes I am.” “Well, we have a lot of witnesses here, because this is the girl that was on stage that you wrote your review on that had a solo on stage, you weren’t there, were you?” He was sent to jail for life and 400 hours of hard labour. (1149)

33 comments:

  1. Paragraph 5==>Barley should be barely

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  2. How do you push a person down a balcony just like that since there must be a glass platform to prevent such things?
    Maybe you should say that the husband carried her slightly and threw her down

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  3. Good suspense for the first few paragraphs.
    Paragraph 5 should be 'barely' instead of 'barley'.

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  4. Para 6: you wrote 'play' two times in a single sentence. Use a pronoun instead.

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  5. Para 6:
    should be God. its religious, must have RESPECT

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  6. Para 18: should be coincidential.

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  7. Plot problems: If light was spoilt, the detective STILL saw the critic in his seat during the play. If he could see that there was some0one there, it would be easy to notice that someone was swapping seat with another person.

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  8. M18! se*! that is too mature for us. good story but too much conversation so the story is blurred. Para 5: "fingertips barley", "barley" is spelled wrongly it should be "barely".

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  9. Isn't the punishment too unbelievable? Maybe death penalty would do.

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  10. Please do not use 'sex'. We are too young to use or even come across that word. Can you please change that?

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  11. how did the man push the woman off the balcony? did he carry her or what? Much like lady gaga's mv paparazzi.
    PUH LEEZ DO NOT USE S##! SO DISGUSTING. USE 'MAKE LOVE' INSTEAD, IT WOULD BE BETTER, OR JUST CHANGE THE MEANING YOU WANT COMPLETELY. (BTW I AM NOT SHOUTING AT YOU, JUST WANT TO HIGHLIGHT UR MISTAKE.)

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  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  13. CriticLord:Fong.Ken.RuiApril 12, 2011 at 1:17 PM

    Two cases at once=bad idea+Confusion
    @rizard
    even the phrase you suggest is no good. Maybe sol. should just avoid that part.

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  14. punishment not realistic?Torture only 16days????
    Suggestion:Change to 40000 hours of hard labour

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  15. Punch her fingers? Wow. *Sarcasm off

    Wanqi, is it necessary to put caps? It looked as if you were insulting him. Please, bear with him. Its already there, we can't change it.

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  16. 16 days is two weeks. Imagine you doing THAT for the period. To us, it may seem short, but when you're doing something you hate, it's very long. (No offence, Jia Kai)

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  17. shouldn't he have death penalty for murdering someone????
    Oh, and please dun write the word s**, change it.

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  18. he should really have death penalty. it's the standard. or maybe, jail for life..

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  19. Para10 - Repetitive: making a complaint IS 'having a word' with him.

    Para15 - Settings unclear: WHERE was the interrogation room?

    Para17 - Did the assistant die? Was he alone in 'carrying stuff down'?

    Para19 - What did the writer mean by 'having affairs with your wife'; it's his WIFE! Was Areola supposed to go have an affair with someone else?

    Do not 'blindside' your reader. The ending is too abrupt and seems to have been done in a rush. A few things were revealed 'suddenly'; things which the reader were unaware of previously (e.g. the solo girl; the watch vs pocket watch). This is not good if your Purpose is to engage the reader and to 'win' him over to your side as a writer.

    So in the end, I was still unclear about the REAL motive for throwing the wife over the balcony (murder).

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  20. death penalty is a must for murder ya know... but good story though! Very unique!

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  21. Good story! But, as Mr Yap pointed out, Solomon, you did not really make the motive clear, nor did you explain clearly who the woman was (having affair with or wife?). Otherwise, good.

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  22. Pls don't use" S**" a bit offensive...

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  23. solomon,
    1)please explain the process of throwing her off the balcony. It might, & should be hard to do that, as often there is a ledge to prevent accidents. Maybe the husband lifted her up?
    2)It's a death penalty to that man. An eye for an eye, the police murder law.
    3)How to have affair with your own wife? Just say love or something.
    4)barley should be spelt barely
    5)sex is too mature to use. use make love, or go on the bed
    6)why is the woman in the first paragraph showering while waiting for a guest?

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  24. I dont understand the story well... Maybe you can change the he and the she in the first few paras cause I am a little confused bout whos who...

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  25. I'm also a bit confused about the story. For one thing, the 2nd murder wasn't described very clearly. I think if you remove the 2nd murder and elaborate on the 1st one would be better. Keep it up! Good try! :D

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  26. question mark cant say i understood much

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  27. "The detective stared in amazement and was very pleased with his work."- What work?

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  28. @Wui GuanXP:"16 days is two weeks. Imagine you doing THAT for the period. To us, it may seem short, but when you're doing something you hate, it's very long. (No offence, Jia Kai)"- It is a murder case, 2 weeks of hard labour is far off from a punishment for murder, not thinking sabout 2. Even so, should be 50years in the slammer or the worst-and most common- scenario, death sentence.

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  29. to solomon: ??????????????????????????????????????? too confusing

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  30. Not enough characterization. Improve on the other points and it will be fabulous

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  31. anyway, the story is confusing too.

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