Sample 4
1 One night, I had been listening to soothing music on the radio before going to sleep. I sat on the sofa, eyes closed, taking in the beautiful tune. Gradually, I dozed off……
2 The music stopped abruptly. My eyelids flew open as I sensed, in my dreams, the music ending. A voice was now coming from the radio, “We interrupt this program to give you urgent news: a dangerous lion has escaped from the zoo! The zookeepers are now looking for it, but we advise you to stay at home until we announce its recapture. We apologize for the inconvenience caused.” I jumped up from the sofa. A ferocious lion, on the lose around Singapore? I shuddered. The music started again. I sank onto the sofa again, somewhat calmed by it. As I listened, I made a decision: I was going to stay up until they announced the recapture. Otherwise, I would never feel safe again. After a while, I fell asleep.
3 When I woke up, it was already morning, and I had completely forgotten about the escaped lion. I was famished. Seeing that my parents weren’t awake yet, I decided to go out and buy myself some sweets.
4 As I walked down the streets, I hummed the song I had listened to last night. It seemed to be connected to a lion. I struggled to remember the details, but they seemed to have trickled out of my brain when I was asleep. I shook my head, and concentrated on the sweets I was going to buy. As I neared a corner, I heard a ferocious roar. My heart started thudding. I wasn’t keen on spending the rest of my life in a lion’s stomach. I rounded the corner.
5 My heart jumped into my mouth. Charging along the road, right at me, was a ferocious lion! Its matted brown fur told me that it had been traveling for ages. It looked like it had been starved for a long time. And I would look really good to it. I could even imagine it licking its chops after it devoured me. I cried out, but no one else was on the lonely street. The lion charged. By instinct, I ducked behind a tree. The lion blinked and skidded to a halt. Hidden by the tree, I glanced wildly around, looking for a weapon. But I knew it was hopeless. What weapon could be used against a lion? A net to trap it in, I thought. But where could I find a net now? Right behind me, was a fishermen’s shop. There! I was overjoyed. I dashed inside, looking desperately for a big enough net to capture the lion. I looked and looked, but all were too small. Meanwhile, the lion was sniffing and nosing around, still searching for its prey that had appeared and then disappeared so fast. I could feel its breathe on my face when it ate me already. I did not want to be eaten. I searched faster.
6 After what seemed like an eternity, I realized two things: the lion had bad eyesight and I had finally found a big enough net! I rushed out the shop. The lion roared. Looks like it had finally found its prey. I ducked behind the lion. It blinked, confused, and looked around trying to see where his breakfast had gone. Ha! I thought, Gotcha, big guy! I grinned. I readied myself. I raised the net above my head. I brought it down on the lion! It roared in a surprised sort of way and, when realizing that it was caught, whimpered and seemed to admit defeat. I called the zoo and said that I had the lion caught, one hand holding on to the net which held the “ferocious” lion, which was now sniveling sadly. They refused to believe me, but when I got them to hear the lion’s moans, they were delighted and came in their huge van in ten minutes. Then they loaded the lion into a cage.
7 I was awarded many awards: the Lion Tamer award, the Bravery award, and the Great with Animals award included. You name it, I’ve got it. Some of them weren’t even about lions, bravery and animals. But each had a prize-giving ceremony in which I received my prizes. I stood up on the stage, grinning; I loved getting attention. Catching a lion? It’s all in a day’s work for me! (737)
It is quite unlikely that a human could outrun a lion, and a fisherman's shop? It is a bit weird and does not weave into the story perfectly.
ReplyDeleteHow did u know the lion had bad eyesight...
ReplyDeleteBE MORE REALISTIC
Hello ?
ReplyDeleteA net to catch a lion? A fish net?!
And how do you know that the lion has bad eyesight? PLus a lion skidding to halt?!
(NO OFFENCE)
I did Not Know that human can catch a lion thought that lion very strong?
ReplyDeleteWhat net? A gladiator's net?
ReplyDeleteThe story is not weaved in nicely even though at the end i still wonder could you trap a lion in the net without the lion tearing the net first?
ReplyDeletea bit illogical because of the net part.
ReplyDeleteand why would your eyes fly open when the music stopped when you were dozing off?
Wait. Where were your parents on the 3rd paragraph? You said that your parents were still asleep on the 5th paragraph.....
ReplyDeleteLose should be loose. Normally lions don't escape because the security in the zoo is tight. And the lion runs faster than humans, how can the author outrun him?
ReplyDeleteYour writing of "I would never feel safe again" is quite unreasonable. How can you feel unsafe for the rest of your life? And the fisherman's shop does not really fit into the mordern setting. Also, how do you know that the lion had bad eyesight? Do You really eat sweets in the morning? Essay is quite unreasonable.
ReplyDeleteYou said "It’s all in a day’s work for me!" On the last paragraph. However, you are claiming that you are not afraid of the lion, therefore contradicting with what you had said earlier.
ReplyDeleteAnswer to Zhai Zi Run's commnet: I am greedy. I admit that I wrote this bad essay.
ReplyDelete"Seeing that my parents weren’t awake yet, I decided to go out and buy myself some sweets." whhich sweet shop would open so early??
ReplyDeleteI feel that the tense is very inconsistent. Sometimes, it would be in present times, and sometimes, it would be in past tense. Perhaps the author could try to keep a consistent tense.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Paragraph 6, line 2: "I had finally found a big enough net!" It is incorrect. The writer should have said "Ihad finally found a net that was big enough!"
I find that this story is very interesting, and I had a good read.
Why do you buy sweets for breakfast?
ReplyDeleteOverall, good & exciting plot. =)
ReplyDeleteNo offence, but it is not very logical that a person can "win" a lion, right?
Setting (fisherman's shop) is weird. Plot can be weaved in better
But would someone eat sweets in the morning? Any reasons?
So many awards? A bit unbelivable?
Good plot, but why did the lion not struggle and try to escape once caught by you? I find it a bit weird, but the way you describe the story is wonderful!
ReplyDelete"trickling out of my brain" good description but Singapore Zoo's security is not so low... very unlilkely
ReplyDeleteI wrote this (bad essay i think)
ReplyDeletefisherman net quite easy to escape...
ReplyDeletewhy would zoo not believe you? they gave he warning themselves.
quite nice though...
Plot is not really very good but nice try!
ReplyDelete"Seeing that my parents weren’t awake yet, I decided to go out and buy myself some sweets." Saying that, which sweet shop would open so early? Isn't that contradiction?
Appropiate and funny ending though.
You caught a lion? How illogical. How does a lion escape the tight security of the zoo? And you said that there was nobody in that lonely street yet there was a fishing shop nowhere near a bay? And a lion should be able to outrun a human and struggle when captured. And won't you have to pay for the net? And in the last paragraph you said that it was all in a day's work. Does that mean that you catch lion for a living? And the you-name-it-I-get-it part. Ok then I name the "you did not get an award" award. Bet that you did not get that one!
ReplyDeleteIf a lion can escape the tight security of a zoo, why can't it escape a weak fishing net?
ReplyDeleteThe lion gave up so fast? Are lions that afraid of fishing nets that they give up immediately? You are also assuming that lions have bad eyesight
ReplyDeleteNo one eats sweets during breakfast.(you could but it is very odd) Things also do not weave together. I would adviced you to elaborate more.
ReplyDeleteBut overall, good try.
The lion could have torn apart a FISHERMAN's net, and how did you know the lion had bad eyesight?
ReplyDeletethis story is probably the worst (no ofeence)
ReplyDeletethe lion is too strong compared to a fish net. and you can't out run the lion.
and how do you know the lion has bad eyesight? too illogical story.
A lion can see in the dark perfectly.
ReplyDelete