Sample 26
1 It was a gloomy and dark night; I was in the living room switching on the radio. Once I switched on the radio, it started playing songs. Suddenly, a voice boomed “Surrender or die in pieces”. Another sound boomed “Surrender, you terrorists!” I was terribly afraid. I was thinking, who said it?
2 The voice which I assumed to be the police shouted “We’ve got you surrounded!” Another voice shouted “I don’t care, you just freeze and drop your weapons and surrender so that we can catch you!” A rocket sound boomed in the distance. “Ha ha, it’s the mini atomic bomb, now this place will turn into smithereens and you are going to die soon, ha ha ha!” shouted the terrorist. I started looking out of my house’s window, but I saw no atomic bomb.
3 “Boom!” The explosion shook me out of my senses, and then I realized it was coming out of the radio. Then it broadcasted “Show over, next show the terrorist’s strike.” I sat down and wiped the sweat of my face with the sleeve of my shirt and sighed “Lucky it was just a show.” How I hope I wouldn’t get nightmares tonight when I am sleeping. (201)
Para 1 Line 3: "Surrender or die in pieces!" There is a missing exclamation mark.
ReplyDeleteYou do not introduce the terrorist properly. The terrorist just appears there.
ReplyDeleteEvents are too dramatic, like a "mini atomic bomb". Not very realistic. since the radio can only produce sounds, and you can see that there is nothing happening. There are some Singlish used, like in “I don’t care, you just freeze and drop your weapons and surrender so that we can catch you!” You should use proper English.
ReplyDeleteThis composition would be better if the ending was not so abrupt. Also, the character was too briefly described. There are so many people speaking just one to two sentences.
ReplyDeleteThe story is too abrupt and seemed rushed by the author of this sample.
ReplyDelete"I don't care! Just freeze and drop your weapons and surrender so we can catch you!" This doesn't sound very logical
ReplyDeleteYou are confusing the characters in the story. There are two different dialogues contradicting each other (in paragraph 2), the one about being surrounded and the one about not caring. Can you articulate cleary which character is which? The speeches make it seem like the police are surrounding the terrorists while the terrorists are also surrounding the police. Please have more clarity.
ReplyDeleteThis sample istoo brief, the characters are not even described properly. Also, too damatic. Cannot get the plot for this sample.
ReplyDeleteThe show do not seemed like a show, as it will not start so abruptly and end so abruptly too. Also, vocbulary use was limited.
ReplyDeletePara 2:
“I don’t care, you just freeze and drop your weapons and surrender so that we can catch you!”
to
“I don’t care, you just freeze, drop your weapons and surrender so that we can catch you!”
Poor characterisation.
You are assuming that "I" is assuming that all of the dialogues came from around him and not from the radio. Characters not introduced properly in the dialogues like "Surrender or die in pieces". This sentence also ought to have an exclamtion mark at the end.
ReplyDeletePara 2 line 4: “Ha ha, it’s the mini atomic bomb". I do not think that that is such a thing as a "mini atomic bomb" and it is too dramatic. There is also poor characterisation.
ReplyDeletehow come it's so short?
ReplyDeleteI dont understand this strange story. damn short too.
ReplyDeleteIf you are listening to music and it changes to a show, it will tell you first and it won't just jump abruptly, it is not logical.
ReplyDeleteshort, and confusing.
ReplyDelete"a mini atomic bomb" is unrealistic.
ReplyDeleteA poooooooooooooooor story==> and i am emphasizing on the word poor
ReplyDeletequite a bad story. no offence to who wrote it...too short and boring. and if the dialogues are coming from the radio, he should know its a show...
ReplyDeleteThe story is too short and boring. Not even entertaining. Need major improvement.
ReplyDeleteThe content is not very logical and please use voice instead of sound.(para 1 line 3)
ReplyDeleteIt is too abrupt, too much conversation, and too short. It is obvious that the author rushed this essay. And also, won't the broadcasters tell what they are broadcasting? Unrealistic.
ReplyDeleteA very creative idea of making it just a show. :D
ReplyDeletetoo short.
ReplyDeletetoo hilarious,
ReplyDeletetoo short, too much communcation,
too unrealistic. Evrything happened over the radio? The plot not exciting enough.
Nice story though. If improve on these points,
this story should be real awesome. Fighting!
Can be longer. Good plot on the 'show'!
ReplyDeleteEvents are too abrupt but a good plot. could be longer as 201 is not enough.
ReplyDeleteThe story should be longer and more entertaining! Too brief and abrupt.
ReplyDeleteShort. Boring. If it is a story from the radio, they usually inform the people that they are going to start, and ,aybe give a title. If they did, there is no right to be scared out of your wits. And the 'The voice which I assumed to be the police shouted “We’ve got you surrounded!"'and the other one 'Another voice shouted “I don’t care, you just freeze and drop your weapons and surrender so that we can catch you!' doesnt sound right. It's as if the police said they have the terrorist surrounded and the terrorist is replying: 'I don't care, you just freeze and drop your weapons and surrender so we can catch you!' Somehow it doesn't sound corect.
ReplyDeleteThe story is too short and boring. Not even entertaining. Need major improvement.
ReplyDeleteWho wrote it?
Yawn.
ReplyDeletePoor characterization, story is too short. Plot is also too fast.
ReplyDeletestory super short, content boring, disappoints reader at the end as it is just a show.
ReplyDelete