Sample 23
1 ‘Ah, nothing beats sitting on the couch and sipping a cup of hot coffee while listening to the radio after a hectic day at work. I have to prepare slides for the upcoming presentation next week, participating in numerous conference calls, and a lot of other things. Thankfully tomorrow is Saturday and I can relax.’ I said to myself, still awake at the stroke of midnight. I was listening to the relaxing music that the radio station in the heart of Brisbane, Australia.
2 Suddenly, the music stopped. I thought that the battery must have drained out. I went to my bedroom to get two AA-sized batteries, and as I walked back to the couch, the radio broadcaster announced in a hurrying tone, ‘this is an important announcement. A Class 5 monster cycloneis going to make landfall in about 12 hours. I repeat a Class 5 monster cyclone is going to make landfall in about 12 hours. Everyone please evacuate to the emergency shelters towards the west.’
3 Upon hearing the announcement, I freaked out. I quickly grabbed my luggage from the attic, and packed in food, clothes, and some drinks. I closed all the windows and moved all the furniture away from them. I then grabbed my luggage and drove out onto the highway, which was packed with cars escaping the path of the cyclone.
4 Just as the last car left Brisbane, the cyclone started to make landfall, packing winds of up to 200 kilometres and destroying many houses. Luckily, everyone had evacuated and there were no casualties. At the emergency shelters, we turned on the radio to listen to news updates. We could also feel some of the wind that the cyclone had packed.
5 After the cyclone had passed, I went back home, just to discover that the whole house was in a mess and some of the windows were shattered. The lamp had been blown down by the wind and was lying in pieces. Part of the roof was also damaged.
6 During the next few days, construction workers went to all the houses to perform repairs. Although the house would look different, I would still remember the days before and this horrific incident too. (365)
Should explain feelings when you were in emergency shelters
ReplyDeleteParagraph 1: No comma before 'and'.
ReplyDeleteA good introduction.
Climax is too short compared to introduction.
Climax is the important thing.
Paragraph 2
ReplyDeleteNot 'cycloneis'
should be 'cyclone is'
Paragraph 1 last sentence not complete. "Towards the west" This is very ambiguous as everybodies west is different. Secondly. I believe you should state what radio station you are listening to as news in Brisbane might not be news to those guys in Adeline.
ReplyDeletePoor plot, poor climax...
ReplyDeleteAnd is there only one character?
Also that character is not well-developed.
The damage caused by the Category 5 cyclone is not relevant to the reality. With a full Category 5 cyclone, the house wouldn't even be standing anymore. And the repairs would take years. Also, cyclones do not touch down on land. They come in from the ocean after touching down there.
ReplyDeleteGood introduction and transition to the story's Problem (Para1-2). You have given a real and significant problem - good!
ReplyDeleteMore development (detailed descriptions) on the narrator's thoughts/feelings during the evacuation would enhance the story.
Characterisation - the narrator seems to stay alone? How about his family?
Climax is too short. Climax is to excite the readers. For the climax part, I feel that it is a bit too rushed into.
ReplyDeleteCan be a bit more real; a monster cyclone is supposed to wreck or damge the whole house, not just part of.
Why the radio person so cool and calm?
ReplyDeleteThe climax is too short...pls make it nicer :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
ReplyDeleteThis story is only about the author, what about his friends and family. Would't they be affected too? You also did not state when the author reached home.
ReplyDeleteEverything in the story happened too fast. for the important points, you should write a bit more.
ReplyDeleteclimax too short
ReplyDeleteshort and simple, but nice to read.
ReplyDeletemessage that radio broadcasted is informal. Quite unsuitable.
ReplyDeletecycloneis? Oh its cyclone is
ReplyDeleteclimax is too brief. need a bit more elaboration
ReplyDeleteCLIMAX!!!!WHAT HAPPEN TO THE CLIMAX!!!WOULD BE INTERESTINGER(IF THERE IS SUCH A WORD)IF THE STORY IS LONGER AND THE CLIMAX MORE DEVELOPED!!!
ReplyDeleteThe story is not very exciting. Why do I not feel a tension inside me? I thought I was supposed to. The story is too brief.
ReplyDeleteWanyi.. Please don't type all in caps. It's rude.
ReplyDeleteThe plot is realistic but I don't find myself feeling tense or scared for the narrator. I usually get that feeling in good stories.
@Weiyao
ReplyDeleteHer caps lock in stuck on and she didn't notice or she didn't bother to change it into small letters.
Anyway, yes, you did miss a climax.
I think you should elaborate more on the period of time that you spent in the bomb shelter. Also, since it is midnight, how could everybody in Brisbane be listening to the radio?
ReplyDeleteparagrapj 1 "i have to prepare slides" change to "I had to prepare slides".
ReplyDeleteumm, its impossible that you can go back home, because that should be billions of rubble lying on the roads. Your climax, which is process of cyclone, is uber-disappointing. I was expecting much from your Class 5 monster cyclone.
You wasted too much time for paragraph one, like the battery taking and something. You should spend that time on improving the climax.
That all i can say for your story.
Good description but no climax in the story. I did not feel and tension while reading this. Nevertheless, good job!
ReplyDeleteNot very possible for the radio broadcaster to broadcast an emergency near midnight. Climax not strong. However, good try! :D
ReplyDeleteStory is too short, climax not well developed
ReplyDeletecycloneis=cyclone is
ReplyDeleteAfter I repeat in Para 2, should nave a full stop/comma. If fullstop, then next letter should be a capital letter.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Wanyi CAPS LOCK. the climax is too short.
ReplyDelete