Thursday, March 24, 2011

Sample 22

Sample 22
1 I would never forget this night all the days of my life.
2 It was a silent night. I was alone in the house as my parents has went overseas. I was half-asleep and half-awake, lying on the sofa with the radio switched on, babbling on and on. I was to listen to the radio for important news as what my teacher has instructed me. Funnily, the more the radio was babbling about news, the more I wanted to sleep. When I was almost asleep, a voice suddenly blared into my ear, “A BOMB CONTAINING CHEMICAL THREAT SUBSTANCES HAS JUST BEEN ACTIVATED IN CHANGI AIRPORT…” I was completely shaken out of my sleep now.
3 Why did the words “Changi Airport” sound so familiar to me? Suddenly, a thought glimmered in my brain. Oh yes, my aunt is leaving Singapore today for America! I immediately threw away the blanket on myself and went to get my car. As I drive to Changi Airport, I thought about my aunt. My aunt has been very good to me since young and now she might be in trouble! A bone-chilling fear through my spine, what if she is already in trouble? A vague picture formed in my mind with my aunt lying faint on the floor, not moving even a muscle. All this thoughts drove me to drive faster to Changi Airport.
4 After 20 minutes of fear and doubt, I finally reached Changi Airport. The whole building seems deserted. What? The rescue team has already given up? I grabbed my handkerchief out of my pocket, wet it, put it over my nose and mouth and began running to the building like a mad man. At last, I saw some firemen trying to calm the situation down. No matter how the firemen tried to stop me, I did not care about them and ran inside the building. All that matters now is my aunt, my most beloved aunt!
5 When I entered the building, the poisonous smoke enveloped me. I frantically did a quick scan and spotted my aunt in a corner. I pointed to my aunt at once and signaled to the group of firemen following me. The firemen immediately understood me and rushed to my aunt. I followed on quickly. At that point of time, I was beginning to suffocate. While running out of the building with the firemen, I suddenly blacked out…
6 When I woke up, all I saw was an anxious-looking group of firemen staring at me. They all started to bombard me with questions like are you alright, how are you feeling now…but the only answer that came up out of my mouth was a question spoken softly for I had no strength anymore and was feeling weak. The question is, “How is my aunt, is she alright? I am going to look for her.” All the firemen immediately told me not to over-exert my body and told me to rest instead. A stubborn answer came out of my mouth saying “I DON”T CARE!!!” Suddenly, I heard a voice, “SURPRISE!” I saw a beautiful-looking lady emerging from the firemen crowding around me.
7 I could not believe my eyes! It was my aunt, safe and unharmed! The next day, the whole newspaper was all talking about me. I was awarded a medal for my bravery. However, my biggest gain is that my aunt was not harmed or injured in any way! The next day, I returned to my junior college school. I was the talk of the town for the whole day. Lots of people asked me about the incident. I was so tired of telling people the same thing that I ended up writing the incident out and showed to the people who asked me. (623)

26 comments:

  1. If yo blacked out, how did your aunt not suffocate?

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  2. You are armed with a wet handkercheif and your aunt was unarmed! So why only you black out but your aunt still unharmed?

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  3. Para 1:I would never forget this night for all the days of my life.
    Para 2: Not logical. How can parents leave a child at home for a period of many days?
    Para 2: The radio cannot babble. Only the broadcaster can.
    Para 3: Did you throw the blanket into the rubbish bin?
    Para 3: How can you drive? You are too young to drive!!
    Para 3: Should be 'drove'
    Para 4: Should be 'seemed'
    Para 4: How can you not care about the authorities? At least you can explain to them.
    Para 7: Doesn't the news agency have other things to write about?
    Para 7: Junior college, no school

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  4. Paragraph 1: grammatical error.
    Paragraph 3: You are in Singapore, obviously Changi Airport is familiar to you. You should phrase it in another way like 'sound so terrifying'.
    Changi Airport is not a building. It consists of many terminal buildings, control tower, apron, hangar, cargo centre etc.
    If there was an explosion, your aunt must have suffered some injuries, whether it is burns etc.
    is junior college, not junior college school.
    1 bomb has not enough energy to blast the whole of changi airport.

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  5. Para 3:

    My aunt has been very good to me since young and now she might be in trouble!

    "has" to "had"

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  6. If you are a JC student, you have not reached the legal age to drive. So instead of reciving a medal, you should end up in jail.

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  7. Matthew Wong Chun KitMarch 24, 2011 at 12:13 PM

    "I was to listen to the radio for important news as what my teacher has instructed me." "I was alone in the house as my parents has went overseas." For the rist sentence, it should be "as my teacher advised me to". For the second sentence, it is " my parents have went overseas".

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  8. @Shuyang. A bomb may be able to blast up the whole of Changi if it was powerful.

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  9. Overall, I think that there is inconsistent tense usuage and the plot is a little illogical.

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  10. @Kang Chen
    Chemical boms are not enough.
    The incident in Moscow airport did not blow up the whole airport.

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  11. Matthew Wong Chun KitMarch 24, 2011 at 12:16 PM

    The whole building seems deserted.
    to
    The whole building seemed deserted.

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  12. The first sentence throws the timeline/sequence of the story into confusion. The narrator was 'reporting' about something that has happened - how could it be 'this night'?

    Illogical act (Para5):
    Why was the narrator allowed to enter the terminal building in the first place? Would the police/fire/government officers not stop him from doing so?

    Strange ending (Para7):
    Who awarded the narrator a medal? If pointing out a fainting aunt is a heroic act, then what about the many firemen/policemen involved?

    The Time of the ending context does not fit the beginning of the story. Try drawing out a timeline or chronological events then report on it.

    So what happened to the bomb/terrorists in the end? What was the overall damage? The mood of the story should be sombre or serious; yet it seems that the narrator was in a celebratory mood.

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  13. If the fireman were not allowing the author to enter, why are they following him? Why is the author awarded a medal?

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  14. If the bomb was activated, then he need not have to go to the airport as the rescue team should have evacuated everybody. If the bomb was already activated, wouldn't your aunt suffer since you took some time to drive to the airport. Also, it would take some time to have the news to be broadcasted onto the radio.

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  15. why is the author rewarded a medal???

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  16. The author is too young to drive.

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  17. the plot is illogical

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  18. totally illogical...

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  19. In the first place, if there is a dire situation, it would be impossible for the ALL the firemen to follow you. There would be busy, saving people from around the place. Also, I thought that the airport was empty, since the author said so, then why did the firemen not bring the author's aunt out? Why leave only her there? Thus, the story is rather illogical.

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  20. Wait a second, there's something you missed out. In para 1, you said "my parents". However, later you said that you got into your car. And then again, Junior College school. Seems a little to unrealistic to me.

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  21. How could you drive when you are still a student? I thought you would be too young?

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  22. going to comment something like timothy's...
    paragraph 1 : Parents too lenient or what? Leaving the child at home and at night you not sleeping yet?
    paragraph 2: Running out to take a taxi in middle of the night? You love yourself or your aunt more? Are you crazy?
    Paragraph all: UNREALISTIC

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  23. I really do not understand the first para and i think that it is unnecessary.
    You would not get a prize for caring for your aunt. UNREALISTIC!
    Major tense errors. MUST work on this
    Otherwise, a touching story.

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  24. How could the author drive at such a young age? If the author was prepared to enter the building and he blacked out, why didn't his aunt. Plot a bit unrealistic.

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  25. Some parts are illogical. How can your aunt not be hurt when you blacked out?

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  26. Very funny about the babble and radio part. Others, OK but the drive car part. so similar to the one about Aunt at Skypark hotel

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