Thursday, March 24, 2011

Sample 2

Sample 2
1 It was a late Saturday night. The sky was empty; except for the big yellow moon which hung brightly in the sky. I lay on my table, eyes half-open. A homework book lay open beside me, and upon seeing the book, I sighed to myself and decided to do the homework another day.
2 I decided to listen to the radio to relax. I tuned in to 950 and listened to the soothing music. Suddenly, I heard a voice coming on the radio and said in a very anxious and frightened voice, “Sorry for interrupting the program. We have a very important message to broadcast…” I perked up my ears. What could be so important at so late at the night? “…there is a murderer on-loose! He is known to have killed many people. Please shut all doors and windows and stay indoors!”
3 The soothing music continued to play, but even that could not calm my multi-feelings. “What if…” A million thoughts rushed through my mind. My peaceful mood was ruined by the frightening warning.
4 Scared and helpless at the same time, I decided to go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I would forget about this murderer. But I found out that I could not sleep. The words of the broadcaster kept ringing in my head. I sighed and forced myself to close my eyes and fall asleep ……
5 The next day, despite having gone to sleep late last night, I woke up surprisingly early. There were only little traces of the warning last night still left in my head.
6 When I went downstairs to buy breakfast, I saw someone giving out flyers. Curious, I went and took a piece of the flyer and the sight made me shudder. It was the murderer! It said: “Wanted! Dangerous murderer in this vicinity. If seen, please inform the police immediately at 999.” There was also a picture of the man attached with the flyer. The man was probably in his forties, I thought as I looked at the picture. He had a moustache and looked very fierce. I stared at the notice, dumbfounded.
7 As I was queuing up to buy my favourite toast bread, I saw someone which looked very familiar, liked I had seen him somewhere before. Then, a thought struck my mind. It was the murderer! I took a quick glance at the flyer again and I made my conclusion. It was him!
8 I was rooted to the spot. What should I do? I thought. Two voices rang in my head at the same time. One was telling me to call the police immediately while the other one was telling me that I had mistaken the man for the murderer.
9 I decided to call the police. Picking up my mobile phone, I dialed 999. Within minutes, I heard sirens ringing and I shot the “murderer” another glance. I saw his expression changing and he was about to leave without finishing his breakfast. However, he could not trick the police. The squad of policemen rushed towards him and handcuffed him.
10 Everyone was curious and started crowding to see what happened and I saw many shocked faces when they saw the murderer. Not wanting myself to be discovered, I exited the coffee shop without buying my breakfast.
11 Although my tummy was still rumbling angrily as I was very hungry, I smiled to myself as I knew that I had done a good deed. (569)

35 comments:

  1. How do you perk up your ears?(4th line of paragraph 2) Why do the murderer kill so many people? These two points are unreasonable.

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  2. Good but the murderer is not so stupid

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  3. Paragraph 8
    The main character is confused? If he/she is confused, why call the police?

    (NO OFFENCE)

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  4. The problem of the story is about a mass murderer on the loose.The characterization of "i" is very good.The settings are the coffee shop and the house

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  5. (Paraghaph 4, 1st line) How are you "helpless?"? :)

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  6. Whose the muderur???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

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  7. Para 2:
    -The first "said" should be saying.
    -How do you perk up your ears?
    Para 3:
    -What is multi-feelings?
    The tummy rumbling angrily is very funny:)

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  8. a murderer who killed many people and escaped from jail can get caught so easily? not logical

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  9. The murderer is not so stupid. He will escape in normal stituations.But good work

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  10. Paragraph 1: Why is the sky "empty"?
    Paragraph 2: "What could be so important at so late at the night?" should be "What could be so important so late in the night?"

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  11. The radio FM, byt eh way, is not 950. It is 90.5 FM. :)

    Paragraph 7, second line: "liked I had seen him somewhere before." Its not supposed to be liked. It is supposed to be like.

    Overall, good composition. I enjoyed reading it.

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  12. The murderer would not be so stupid as to go out in public when he is wanted.

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  13. By the way, my previous comment is supposed to be by the way. Sorry.

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  14. Good story! But why is it so like mine?

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  15. Ending could be better and why couldn't the murderer trick thepolice when he managed to trick the police for a whole night and why would the murderer go to the coffee shop when he knew that he was wanted? if these 2 points are changed, this would be a better compo. Overall, GOOD JOB!

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  16. Neo Shuen kai(LOLOL)March 24, 2011 at 12:19 PM

    If this guy( the murderer) is smart enough to escape from jail, how come he get caught so easily by the narrator???

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  17. i didnt know i am Joshua TeoMarch 24, 2011 at 1:16 PM

    Not too logiacl. How could a criminal that has escaped from jail be xdaught so easily??? Other than that, it is fvery kinteresting.

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  18. Not enough character traits. What is the gender of the narrator and the murderer? How old is the narrator? What does he/she work as? Where does he/she work as? Can change "murderer" to "serial murderer". That would make the next sentence unnecessary. Story is ok.

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  19. By the way, there are also many gramaticaled and spelin erors in this essay.


    (NO OFFENCE)

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  20. joshuateo thinks he's the narratorMarch 24, 2011 at 1:20 PM

    But the murderer could have killed the narrator!!!

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  21. How can a crafty criminal that just escaped be so easy to capture? Where did this happen? If the murderer killed people in Singapore? Wouldn't he/she be already dead? Singapore judges give murderers a death sentence. Logic is a little unclear.

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  22. ummm mj i thought this was yours...

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  23. wait sorry i said the wrong thing cause i thought press sample one press until sample 2

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  24. quite nice...
    many essays have the same content. not original.

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  25. If the murderer can escape jail, why can't he escape when the police came? Prison's security is much tighter.

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  26. WHAT IS TAG 3 DOING HERE??? This story is also a copycat of another story. The murderer is not stupid enough to go out inn public.

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  27. The murderer would not have went out in the public since he is wanted. Furthermore, if the murderer went out into the public, he would have disguised himself so well that people would not be able to recognize him

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  28. Author of the EssayMarch 25, 2011 at 8:17 PM

    Thks for all the comments! I will try to improve on my weak points!

    Addresing the point which everyone thinks the murderer is 'stupid': the murderer has just been released from jail, so he wants to escape from the area there.

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  29. Author of the EssayMarch 25, 2011 at 8:29 PM

    Addresing the comment where some people have doubts about the 'empty' sky: it means there are no stars

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  30. To "Author of the eassay". If this guy was a multiple murderer, all the more this guy would have already be executed( The guy will not be executer three times over). As long as you murder someone, you get the death penelty.(die) So how could this guy get out of jail. The signs tell me that you are in Singapore. So you might want to "relocate" to Holland(Denmark)

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  31. Why would the murderer go out on the streeet when police are looking for him? A little illogical...

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  32. Matthew Wong Chun KitMarch 26, 2011 at 9:00 PM

    Unless, the murderer has a certain motive (MSS). This could turh into inspiration for the MSS. Just give a clear motive and it would be great. (Also, it would be even better if the narrator was an expert at crime solving.

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  33. Author of the EssayMarch 28, 2011 at 7:52 PM

    Thanks, Jit Ping. Maybe I will switch my location instead of Singapore to Holland.

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  34. Why would the murderer be so silly and walk in the streets when he or she is wanted? And, would'nt other people notice the murderer?

    -Tag 3

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  35. Author of the EssayApril 13, 2011 at 5:54 PM

    @ Si Min - Please refer to my comment above! I think I covered that! :D

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