Thursday, March 24, 2011

Sample 19

Sample 19
1 I was so tired after another day of moving from Singapore to California. Dad was probably right about coming to California as it is better than staying in Singapore where dad’s business is not doing well. Just before sleeping, I listened to the radio, partly because I’m curious about how radios work in California. “You are now listening to -Bzzz- We sorry for this interruption but we have breaking news. A tornado breakout is heading towards the west of USA. All citizens of this region are advised to seek shelter at the nearest shelter. Thank you –Buzz- brought to you by the Radio Station”.
2 After a few silence moments of thinking whether that was real or not, I immediately rushed to my parent’s room and yelled at them, “Tornado, tornado!” My parents told me to calm down and tell them what was happening. “A group of tornado is about to hit California!” My parents’ responses were getting out of bed, grabbing my sister and snatching the emergency supplies. We rushed out of our house and immediately we saw people going in all directions and heard lots and lots screaming and felt strong winds blowing against my body. I took out the map of the neighbourhood and in the mist of all the panic, I found where the shelter is. “Turn right, then go straight for a hundred metres and turn left, and do a last turn right.” I hold the map down for a second and looked around, and somehow, my family is gone.
3 I called out for my family but not even the person who was five metres away could hear me. I looked around once more and suddenly a gigantic shadow cast right under me. I turned around and there it was, a tornado coming straight at me at one hundred and fifty kilometres an hour.
4 In desperation, I ran into an abandoned house to seek refuge just before the tornado reached me. I looked out of the window and saw three tornadoes circling the house like three dancing walls of destruction. I immediately got into the brace position. The roof of the house was ripped off and the windows shattered when a twig and scraps of metal hit it. I was expecting my life to be over when unexpectingly the tornadoes left this “prey”. I went outside the house to go to the bunker when I saw two people closing a door. I looked to the left of it to see the words “bunker”. I looked at the map again and slapped my forehead. “The bunker was right next to our house!” I ran inside and a group of familiar faces greeted me.
5 My family was there! They told me that our neighbours showed them the shelter. They wanted to tell me but I was already lost. We stayed in the shelter until the tornadoes past and went out. Luckily, not much harm was done and no house got destroyed other than the one I hid in. After all the madness, I finally got to sleep. First day and it was so exciting. From then on, I knew what to do during a tornado breakout. (528)

28 comments:

  1. "I took out the map of the neighbourhood and in the mist of all the panic" how does the narrator find such a small piece of paper? Does he have the time to even read the map?

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  2. Why did his parents abandon him and not even alert him?

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  3. Why would a person keep the map of the neighbourhood with him always? Ending a bit too rushed.

    And. how could people still sleep after a disaster? Also, this sample did not talk about aftermath of the disaster and after a disaster, people are supposed to worry about things like their houses...

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  4. ending a bit too rushed but a good try

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  5. It is impossible to have all house destroyed except his house, and his family are... well... would not have abandoned him.

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  6. Lost? How was he lost when it was he who informed his parents?

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  7. good adjecttivees used. how did you spot your family when u were already lost with them?

    great story! the best i have read

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  8. my parent's responss were TO GET OUT OF BED
    i took out A map of the neighbourhood
    quite rushed

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  9. How can you have a map of the neighbourhood? How come your parents can abandon you and run to the bunker with your sister?

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  10. very weird. why would you keep a map when you are escaping the tornado. and why would your parents abandon you in a crisis? ending too brief

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  11. Why would your parents abandon you? Furthermore, when you looked for the shelter in the map, you did not have the tone of urgency that you should have in the middle of a crisis

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  12. Actually, the story is rather unrealistic becauase your parents would definitely hold you to prevent you from getting lost. Also, your parents would definitely not wait for you in the shelter so calmly. They would of course go out and search for you after making sure that your sister is safe. No other parent will treat the child like that unless you dont love your child.

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  13. yeah! u rock poonyilin just what i wanted to say...

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  14. I admit that this is mine.
    Questions to address:
    1. How can you have a map of the neighbourhood?
    Ans: It is just a small piece (after all the neighbourhood is not that big). Logically, I will have it because I am moving there so I need to know some places and that is why I kept it in my pocket.

    2. It is impossible to have all house destroyed except his house.
    Ans: PEOPLE! Seriously you guys should read more (no offence). According to National Geography Channel, tornadoes CAN JUMP! An entire neighbourhood was destroyed but 1 house!

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  15. 3. Lost? How was he lost when it was he who informed his parents?
    Ans: My parents was panicking, lost track of me, strong winds, neighbour showed and I turned and saw that they are gone.

    4. Your parents would definitely hold you to prevent you from getting lost.
    Ans: HELLO! It is tornadoes! Raging wall of destruction. Think about it. Will you risk your life to save someone that is educated and knows how to read a map? I have one weakness though. I did not clearly state in the esssay that I am all of the above.

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  16. Add on on last post: I also did not state that there is lots of tornadoes. Sorry I was very rushed in writing the essay and I just thought as I wrote along.

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  17. Sorry I admit that I lose to number 4. :(

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  18. Nice essay, could be a little more "real", :)

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  19. Nice essay but a map wouldn't say how long a stretch of road is, so he wouldn't say to walk 100 meters unless he had a ruler to measure it according to the thing on the map that tells you how many cm is how many m. If he had, he didn't use it. -.-

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  20. How could you not know that the shelter was right next to your house? And how could your family just leave you behind and go to the bunker themselves? Good try. :D

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  21. Good try but no parents is as evil as that to care for themselves more than they care for their children; their flesh and blood.

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  22. I agree with Hui Ling. Why wouldn't the author know that there is a shelter next door? Not very possible that your parents would not care to find you and just go to the bunker? Good try! :D

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  23. Unrealistic, parents would not just abandon their child and run away to safety and wait there calmly.

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  24. Matthew Wong Chun KitMarch 26, 2011 at 7:57 PM

    I think that you should still improve on the destruction bit. If there are three tornadoes that destroyed so many houses, they must have been at least been scale 4 tornadoes. At that speed, even if they suddenly twisted away from your house, you should at least say that: "The house was pretty much intact, as the tornadoes had jumped the building. However, there were many holes where debris had smashed through the walls. We were happy, but still needed to move away as the repairs were being implemented." Also, three tornadoes jumping is not really realistic. The most that could jump might only have been 1 tornado. Then the other 2 would have smothered the house with debris or grind it to bits like a food blender. Also, with a 150 kmph tornado above your house, when you ran out the first thing that would happen is either getting minced by debris or getting tossed by the tornado. An abandoned house would also not have been there by the time that the tornado hit. And most abandoned houses are "dilapidated". Does this strike a thought? California is also hit by hurricanes, not tornadoes. The geographical conditions are just not right.

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  25. Wow Matthew is so chim. And, why would the author be carrying a map around with him?

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  26. Weird but ur comments about the house not destroyed i thought it was a bunker???

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  27. Matthew:
    ????????????????????????????????????????????????

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