Thursday, March 24, 2011

Sample 13

Sample 13
1 It was a beautiful night in New York when I rested in my terrace. The sky was starry, the stars were beautiful and everything was so peaceful. I was sitting on my most comfortable armchair in front of the fireplace listening to the radio songs. “So many beautiful songs to listen to…”I mumbled dreamily.
2 But my mumbles did not last for long as the radio stopped playing the songs. I was not suspicious as it always happened. After that I heard a phase that people with thanatophobia will be afraid of. It is “Emergency Message”…
3 The message continued “The Hurricane Scientists have just found that in 1 hour time, there will be a F5 hurricane hitting New York, San Francisco and Hawaii. If you are hearing this in one of the above places mention, please go to the underground bunkers near your home immediately with food and water. Thank You”
4 When I heard the broadcast, I was dumbfounded. This never happened in my half a year of living in New York as it never hit New York then. I ran to my closet where I put my tin food and drinks and ran to the neighbor’s where they don’t have a radio and told them the story but they just laughed and said “Haha, what a fake story because I already predicted it is tomorrow…haha…”If they never take my story for real it means that they will get hit. “Oh well never mind” I talked to myself.
5 When I ran to the closest underground bunker, it looked like a hospital with a Emergency Shelter” title plate on the top. I went in and saw thousands of people in there waiting for the hurricane to strike. I saw a notice there saying 15 minutes to F5 Hurricane or named “Stupefy”. I ran to the notice shelter saying “Underground Bunker” and drank and ate there waiting for the hurricane to strike USA.
6 15 minutes later, there was a siren saying “Please stay in the bunker…” but the words were drowned by the wind created by the hurricane and then I heard a familiar, piteous voice crying out “NO!!!”. I then realized it was the neighbors who I warned. But the underground bunker was still safe.
7 After what I thought was a few days , the speaker finally sounds “The hurricane has stopped, you may get out now.” When I came out, it did not look like New York anymore the buildings and the trees were uprooted and the ground looked like paper torn apart. Then I saw a fateful thing to see; my neighbor’s body ripped apart into four pieces, with the head, the chest, the stomach and the legs split into small shreds of what looked like paper size shrapnel.8 The morale of this story is to make sure to always listen to your neighbor’s advice and do not think that everything is correct to your way. (490)

27 comments:

  1. This is really disgusting. A split-up person...?

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  2. uber-disgusting. NC 16. this story is ...
    neutral? The sotry was good but the ending totally spoilt the whole image of the story in my mind. Sorry.

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  3. will the hurricane really split a person? more probably to throw the person on a rooftop or something

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  4. Disgusting!!!!!! but why the body still there? i thought hurricane blow away?

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  5. Realistic but completely ill story

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  6. Super disgusting. How can a hurricane do so much damage to a person?

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  7. A hurricane wouldn't have the power of ripping somebody limp from limp. And the description is so pathetic, should describe the corpse more.
    P.S. To other commenters, Idue to the word "stupefy", i assume that this person must have read HP

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  8. How come you have a terrace?? This is so unreasonable and disgusting.Also, the body should not have been ripped apart, it should have been blown away.

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  9. Very disgusting, ripped apart person

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  10. Hurricanes do not split someone up. HURRICANES KILL!

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  11. The story is so gross! No offence.

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  12. Ewww disgusting thats all i can say

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  13. Nice, errors in para 3, but good overall

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  14. good introduction.
    unrealistic
    new york, san franisco is very far apart. HAWAII IS IN ASIA-PACIFIC!!! (there is where pearl harbour bombing took place in WWII)
    body will not be ripped, they will fly away, together with the wind.

    quite nice

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  15. This is a good story.

    However, you have a wrong a morale in the sense that it is a bit... weird, isn't it?

    Also, the body is supposed to be blown away, not ripped away!

    Good use of language, though. On the overall, this sample is good.

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  16. A tornado would not spilt up a person. It will blow the person and throw them at maybe 5 miles away. Death: by the impact of the fall/the debris flying around.
    @Ken Rui you are right this person do read Harry Potter.
    Rating: 4/10 NC 16/ M18 No offence.

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  17. Note: It should happen at least once before unless you are very lucky as a tornado will hit eaach state of America once a year. I know it is half a year but the chances are still 50%.

    Fun fact: thanatophobia means phobia of death

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  18. Good plot but things can be more realistic.

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  19. @Marcus:
    OH... My Form teacher in my old school was called Mdm Thana and she said there was a phobia with her name... So THAT'S what it means...
    Back to the main points. How come the narrator is so selfish? The neighbour is arrogant, so what? The narrator should show him the PROOF.(Radio)

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  20. When a somebody is caught in a hurricane, he would not be ripped apart since you did not state the object that ripped the person apart. Either he would be carried away or get hit by the flying debris in the wind.

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  21. Ugh someone would not be ripped up that nicely into a head, body, legs and hands. X_X It would be blown off. What is "Stupefy" anyway????

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  22. I think the part about the person being ripped up sort of ruins the conclusion and the morale of the story. I think if the neighbour lived and said that he will always remember to listen to others' advice would be better.

    P.S. When you said "Oh well never mind" after only trying once to persuade the neighbor, it sorts of makes me think that the main character in the story is a bit heartless (No offence seriously. Anyway, it doesn't refer to the author.)

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  23. Logical about hiding in an underground bunker.

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  24. HURRICANE LAST PART, TOTALLY.......
    NEGATIVE

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  25. Don't you thik that a ripped up person is totally scary?

    I like it when you describe about the underground bunker.

    Would the narrator give up so easily when her neighbour does not listen to her the first time?

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  26. Matthew Wong Chun KitMarch 26, 2011 at 9:57 PM

    Hurricanes can rip someone up with debris. But itwill be better to say that only one bit was found. You also cannot here a scream in a hurricane. The wind just interferes with the sound waves. Also, you can't here it inside a bunker. I think you mixed the locations. NY is on the East; SF and Hawaii are at the west. Poor neighbours. :'(

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